How can you know? Navigating the indecision of separation

Deciding whether you are ready for a separation or divorce is a profoundly personal journey. Divorce is often painful and life-altering, so I believe it is worth doing what is needed to truly know this answer. I don’t know about you, but sitting in “did I do the right thing” was a non-starter for me.

So the question is, have you made every effort? Have you both genuinely leaned in? And most importantly, do you wholeheartedly want this relationship to work?

If you are wholeheartedly sitting in the “I want this to work” headspace, then I encourage working with a relationship coach or counsellor. This is essential if you want change in the relationship. We need consistency and accountability to change a mindset, to shift a belief, or reach a goal. How on earth can we expect to get ourselves out of what we can’t even see?

Finding a good coach or therapist is essential to give you the right tools and processes—believe it or not, there is an actual how-to-resolve-conflict process! It is my belief that when working with the right person, and you are both wholeheartedly all in, you can see positive results immediately.

If you, or one of you, is sitting in the “I don’t know headspace,” then again, the same answer applies. If you have not tried the right kind of coaching, if you have not applied the love language theory or the Gottman method, then there is an opportunity here.

Here’s why: Intentionally showing up for each other by way of each other’s love language results in feeling seen, heard, and loved. And this right here is what we all need. This is what I have heard from hundreds of couples. Two people wanting the very same thing.

Love languages are a very easy and impactful initiative. The Gottman method emphasizes building skills for healthy communication and conflict resolution. So if you “aren’t sure” and haven’t tried these methods, they can help you see if the relationship is repairable.

This is the thing, if you haven’t tried, how do you know? If two people show up and try, there can be immediate results – I have seen it. If two people show up and only one person tries, then you are one step closer to knowing because often one-sided effort builds resentment, not deeper connection.

If both of you, or one of you, is sitting in the “I am done” headspace, then I also encourage seeking counsel that can help each of you walk through a peaceful separation. It has been captured that separation often leads to divorce, but it can also lead to two people deciding the work is worth it.

Sometimes we need to see what we had in order to treasure it. This is a gamble, but I have seen it all when it comes to relationships, and the one thing I know to be true is that when two people love with genuine intention, anything is possible.

This comes down to one question: do both of you wholeheartedly want this relationship to work? If so, there are strategic ways to get more connection, to learn how to hear each other, and to experience more love with one another.

Personally, I think it’s worth the effort, even if things end in divorce. The effort will help ease the mind, and settle the heart. The effort, if genuine on both sides, may also create a more peaceful divorce experience. And if you have children, and on behalf of all kids out there, do this for them.

If you’re curious about how I help couples, or would like to schedule a session, you can reach me directly here.

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