Forgiveness: 6 tips that will help you forgive your ex
Let’s start with the simple fact that your shit is yours. Which also means that you ex’s, or soon to be ex’s, shit is theirs. And we often feel that if we talk about what happened or why it happened it will help us move along – or at least maybe understand. In actuality, when your ex shares their ‘why’, it will likely not give you what you need to heal or move forward. If anything, it will leave more dents. Healing a hurt and moving on is hard to do. And while time may be a factor in healing, the length of that time can be significantly shortened if you dig in a little. So here are six tips to help you dig in and hop on the forgiveness train:
- It’s Not About You. How someone does or doesn’t show up is not about you, or who you are. How someone loves you is not about you. Sure, what you accept or teach your partner is without question yours to own but when people say or do things that hurt us this is for us to look at because it is ours. Why do these comments or moments hurt? Because it is tapping on some patterns, or a pattern, that we have a story attached too. And the story, I promise you, is untrue.
- Find Compassion for Who They Are.Yes … even when you have been betrayed. I have sat with numerous couples who have been cheated on emotionally, physically and financially. The hurt that sits on both sides of the table is enormous. It may be different but the pain is equally crushing. The person who stepped out sits in hurt, self doubt and emotional devastation. The person who stepped out sits in shame, denial and also, emotional devastation. And from what I’ve seen this can take years to heal from. I can say with absolute confidence that if you dig into self and embrace the healing you can come out the other side better and sooner. Whether there is adultery, a “blindside” or an empty heart on the table it takes effort, focus, and a well designed process to get you through a major life shift such as separation and divorce.
- Get a Handle on Your Expectations.Expectations are undelivered communication. When we sit in a place wishing, wanting and hoping someone does or is a certain way we will without question be disappointed. Add layer of resentment and anger. Our expectations are tied to our values so when someone shows up in a way that we would not we can be triggered/poked/activated/hurt/annoyed. When you leave a moment or a conversation and find yourself annoyed, hurt or dumbfounded, dig in! What do you hear in your head? The old, untrue tape is playing. What is it saying? If you say what you hear outloud or write it down ask yourself if it’s true. Ask yourself if it’s true until you crack open your truth.
- Adorn a business hat.When it comes to separation and divorce and all of it’s bumps I suggest you put on a business hat. Separation and divorce is emotional. And this is a time where decisions need to be made mindfully, not emotionally. If you have kids, your kids are essentially the business that the two of you need to manage and support … you want this business to flourish. I can promise you, as a child of a high conflict divorce, and a divorced mother of two, the business will flourish if both directors hold the same mission statement and honour it. Dissension at a management level will result in potential loss and lack of growth. And it’s my opinion that the loss in this circumstance is far too grave.\
- Hold The Belief That Everyone Is Doing The Best They Can. I have heard many times, from many clients, that “No, she’s/he’s not doing the best she/he can.” especially when adultery is on the table. But … I ask you … if you knew where that person came from, what their childhood was like, what beliefs they hold, what they see when they look in the mirror … you may realize that they are indeed doing the best they can with what they’ve been given. Sure, counselling and coaching are at everyone’s fingertips, but not everyone has the courage to lean in. Not everyone holds the belief that they are valuable enough. The internal messaging here is an unknown as it is not ours. Walking through life believing that everyone is doing their best is far more healthy and positive as it is in line with compassion. Everyone’s journey is individual and unique to them.
Forgiveness is a challenge for all of us. I can however promise you that showing anger and resentment to the door will serve you and your family well.